39 Weeks

Less than 12 hours to babies. Here's a picture of Shae at 39 weeks:

One More Day

Well, it's just about that day. Friday was my last day at work so now there's nothing for us to do except sit around and wait for Tuesday morning. We had a pretty laid back weekend, but I did manage to get over to the La Mesa Oktoberfest. Erica and I hopped on the trolley, grabbed some bratwurst, sauerkraut, and German potato salad and then brought home a bratwurst for Shae.

We've got a few last things to take care of tomorrow (putting in car seats, making sure everything is charged, some cleanup, etc), but mostly we're just trying to relax a little while we still can. Then Tuesday morning it's off to meet some babies.

It's kind of weird knowing that in less than 36 hours we're going to have two kids. I thought I would be really nervous or excited, but I'm just kind of anxious. At this point I'm just ready for the kids to be here. For the past month we've just been waiting for the twins to decide they were ready to come out. I'm sure I'll get nervous and excited tomorrow night or Tuesday morning, but right now I'm just tired of waiting and am ready to meet my kids already.

What do you mean 2 more weeks?!?!

I had yet another NST and OB appointment yesterday. I feel like I am there almost every day. I guess it is a good thing I was able to buy a monthly parking pass. Anyways, the actual appointments were not all that eventful. Both babies did well on the NST after I woke them up with some ice. During the NST I get my fluid levels checked to make sure there are no leaks. They do this with an ultrasound machine. While she was looking around, the nurse came across Jack's package and said, "Wow, his boy parts are sure getting big. I hope the rest of him is growing too." That's my boy!

After the test I headed across the street to see Dr. Castillo. As soon as I walked into the office the receptionist looked at me and said, "Still? How can you possibly still be pregnant?" I was wondering that same thing. I finally got to go into the room where the AC was cranked up so high that I was actually cold. I have not felt cold in a very long time. It was kind of a weird feeling. Anyways, the ultrasound machine came out and I guess Jack decided he wanted to talk to his sister because they are both head down now. I have a feeling Jack is going to be a handful! My doctor told me that at this point I have a choice of what I want to do with my delivery. We can let things take their natural course and wait for the whole labor thing, or she can go in and take them out. I told her I just wanted them out! We decided to schedule a date for a c-section. It was not the date I wanted. Apparently we were unable to go back in time and deliver last week. Instead, we are going to be scheduled for either the 6th or 7th of October. It just depends when there is an open room. Do you know how far off that is? 2 weeks! How am I supposed to deal with these things inside of me for another 2 weeks?!? I have a feeling it may be sooner. I have been having some false labor at night while I try to sleep. The only remedy I have found is to sleep in the corner of our sectional. If I am somewhat upright I don't seem to notice anything. My doctor was not too concerned and just told me to watch out for the other signs. I guess other than that, nothing much is going on. For the next 2 weeks, we will be sitting and waiting.

The Michelin Woman

On Tuesday Shae had yet another doctor appointment. Actually, she had a non-stress test and a doctor's appointment. A few people have asked what the hell a non-stress test (or a "nst" for the cool people) is. Basically, Shae sits in a chair with three monitors strapped to her belly (one for each baby and one to monitor contractions) and drinks apple juice while listening to the babies' heart beats. Every so often the babies kick the monitors and it sounds like someone is smacking a microphone. This goes on for about 45 minutes or so. Very exciting. On the bright side, I got to read "The War Of The Wizards" (don't worry, the wizards worked it all out in the end) and a Scooby Doo story (don't worry, Scooby and Shaggy got to the bottom of the mystery) while I waited.

Anyway, back to Tuesday's doctor's appointment. After the excitement of last Wednesday we thought we might be scheduling a C-section at the appointment so I tagged along again. After dealing with several crazy old guys trying to run me down in the parking lot I finally made it up to the office. Eventually we got into the little exam room and the nurse took Shae's blood pressure and then told Shae to drop trou and put a sheet on. A while later the doctor came in and we got our normal look at the kids (not nearly as cool as it seemed before we started going to the specialist with the good ultrasound). So far, so good.

Then things got awkward. In a scene reminiscent of a bad trip through customs, the doctor threw on some rubber gloves and went under the sheet. Shae's responses indicated this was not a gentle exam. After about 30 seconds of Shae wincing, the doctor's head popped back out from under the sheet and she said, "Oh yeah, he's not head down so you're having a C-section. I guess we don't really need to do that." We did learn that Shae is about 1.5 cm dilated, which I guess doesn't really mean much at all other than the babies could be coming anytime from soon to a few weeks. We could have figured that out without violating my wife.

After the gloves were taken off we got into how Shae's doing. She's swollen, having headaches (occasionally, not all the time), and basically is getting pretty tired of being pregnant. I guess her blood pressure was higher than normal because they made her lie down and then came back about 15 minutes later and took it again. It must have been OK on the second take because the doctor didn't seem all that concerned. As she was finishing up, she just gave us some general instructions: "Continue bedrest and call us and come right in if she experiences headaches or blurry vision, gets a pain in her right side, or she starts looking like the Michelin woman." The doctor put it all in the computer, told us to make an appointment for next week, and said her goodbyes.

After she left, Shae and I just kind of looked at each other. Our first reaction was the same: "You're/I'm on bedrest?!?" I'm not sure how Shae missed the memo (I'm blaming her since I've been avoiding most of the appoinments lately), but somehow we weren't aware Shae was supposed to be on bedrest. Of course, her version of "active" is pretty much couch-rest so I think we're OK. It also occurred to us we might have trouble spotting the other symptoms as well since she has headaches all the time (pregnant or not) and the pain in her right side is named Ella. As far as the "Michelin woman", all we could come up with for that is the doctor meant to be worried if she woke up white and puffy. Shae and I both agreed that white and puffy pretty much describes her right now so I'm not sure how we'll tell.

So right now we're kind of in a holding pattern. The babies will be 37 weeks on Monday, which according to Shae is "fully baked" so we're hoping to hold out until then. I'm hoping they make it until at least Tuesday because the Chargers play Monday night and I don't want to watch the game on the little hospital room TV.

Here's a pic of Shae at 36.5 weeks. Still looking great. We also uploaded some new pics of the baby room over in the baby stuff gallery.

Checking The Levels

I've always been a procrastinator. In elementary school, I put off reports and projects as long as possible and then got everything done at the last minute. Things didn't get any better in college, I just had to work a little harder at the last minute. At work it's the same thing. Every task gets put off as long as possible until I end up working on about 10 things at once killing myself to get everything done. Shae's a bit of a procrastinator herself. In fact, sometimes she makes it seem like I'm just an amateur compared to her. She puts off doing every little task around the house until everything is a huge job.

Of course everything is completely different with the babies. Shae and I have had everything ready for their arrival for weeks. The nursery is ready, the car seats are installed, and the whole house is clean and ready. Or not. To say we aren't quite ready would be an understatement. Of course, we still have lots of time to get everything set up. Or not.

On Monday night, Shae went in for one of her non-stress tests. I guess something didn't look right because on Tuesday we got a call from the doctor's office saying we needed to go in for an ultrasound. Shae had an appointment with her doctor on Wednesday morning and the ultrasound was scheduled for Wednesday afternoon. We figured there wasn't much to worry about, but just in case I tagged along to the appointments.

There wasn't much unusual about the doctor's appointment at first. The doc asked if everything was OK and took a quick look to see what position they were in (Ella is head down, Jackson's not as cooperative and is all over the place). The fun part came when we asked if there was anything we should tell them to look for in the ultrasound that afternoon. She told us that the babies' AFI (basically, the amniotic fluid level) was low and that it might be time to get the kids out. I guess the levels were low for a "normal" pregnancy, but she wanted the high-risk pregnancy specialist that does the ultrasounds to take a look. At this point, we were starting to think there was a chance we could be parents by bedtime. When the doctor said goodbye and added "Maybe I'll be seeing you guys in a few hours" and told us not to worry about scheduling an appointment for next week since we may not need it, we really went into panic mode.

At this point all Shae and I could think about was all the crap we had been putting off that we had to do in the next five hours. I ran into work and tied up a few loose ends, talked to my supervisor, and basically tried to get everything setup in case I was going to be gone. Shae made a run to Babies R Us to pick up some stuff we needed and packed up the hospital bags we would need if we went right from the appointment to the hospital. Basically, we both spent the time before our appointment in a daze of excitement crossed with what I would call "Oh-crap!-ness". It was an interesting day, to say the least.

So at 3:00 Shae and I were sitting in the ultrasound room thinking of all the crap we didn't get done and trying to figure out how we were going to get ready while the tech was looking at the babies. When she got to the part where they check the fluid levels we both got interested and paid close attention. Since the main reason we were there was that the fluid had been low on Monday night, the tech measured a few extra times. I'm not sure what happened on Monday, but the AFI was right where it was supposed to be on Wednesday afternoon (actually, the fluid levels were pretty high which I guess is good) and we didn't have to go to the hospital for a C-section. So after all of our running around and panicking we were right back where we were on Monday morning: waiting for the kids.

We don't know when the babies are going to get here, but we do know it's going to be soon. Shae has another appointment on Tuesday and we'll probably schedule a C-section for sometime in the next couple of weeks (with Jackson not cooperating with his positioning Shae pretty much has to get a C-section). At least now we have time to do all of the things we have been putting off. On second thought, we still have a week or two, what's on TV?

"I want these little $*@&ers out of me!"
--Shizzle (I think she's ready to meet her babies)

Nesting, Leaking, and Peeing

There hasn't been much new happening on the baby front, but I figured I should go ahead and give an update anyway.

Shae hit 35 weeks pregnant yesterday, so it's getting close. The doctor has always said that she'd like Shae to get to 37 weeks, 36 weeks would be nice, and she wouldn't stop them at 35. I don't know exactly what that means except that 35 weeks is way too soon. Between non-stress tests, weekly checkups, ultrasounds, and whatever else I may have forgotten it seems like Shae visits a doctor's office or hospital almost every day. At any one of these they could decide it's time for the kids to come out, so I'm starting to get the impression I'm actually going to have kids. Soon. Shae has a trip to the doc and an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow so there should be some updated news.

An update on the prego:

• She pees something like 6000 times a day. I've given up ever getting through a TV show without pausing for a pee-break. A movie is completely out of the question. She says it has something to do with two babies taking turns squeezing her bladder.
• About a week ago, Shae informed me that her boobs were leaking. Uhh...gross. That's all I've got on that topic.
• Shae tells me that when we started dating her measurements were something like 36-27-36. Just for fun, she took her measurements a few days back. The results: 40-47-40. Shae thought I should share that.
  
• The other night it almost happened. I almost had to get up and sleep on the couch. I know I snore a bit, but I can't come close to competing with pregnant Shae snoring. At one point I had Shae snoring on my left and Lunchbox barking in his sleep on my right. I kept waiting for them to wake each other up. Never happened. Snore, bark, snore, bark, snore, bark...
  
• Yesterday I came home from work to find the laundry hamper almost empty, the bed covered in clean, folded laundry, and missing buttons replaced on about five of my shirts. I think this is what they call nesting. I've been trying to get Shae to do some laundry and fix my shirts for almost two years. So, all I have to do to get my shirts fixed is put up with constant peeing, leaking boobs, and eardrum shattering snoring. Oh, and spend the next 20-something years of my life taking care of kids. Totally worth it; I was getting really low on shirts.

That's all for now. Hopefully we'll have some more info soon.

"*SNIFF* My cleavage smells like mac and cheese. *SNIFF* No hot dogs though." --Shizzle

Baby Math

Over the past few weeks Shae and I have attended a couple of baby-related classes (which I've already written about), and they've thrown out a few facts and figures. I thought I'd do the math on some of these and share.

• According to our Baby Care Basics class, newborn babies go through about 10-12 diapers a day. Since these kids are mine it's probably safe to assume they're going to be closer to 12 a day. So, with two kids that means these little things are going to use 24 diapers a day. You know how many that is a week? 168! A month (we'll use 30 days)? 720! What the hell?!?! 720 diapers a month? Crap. Literally.
  
  
• Towards the end of the Childbirth Prep class we were informed that babies should be fed 8-12 times a day. Because it makes math easier, we'll feed our kids 10 times a day. Each. So 20 times a day a baby is going to be latched onto wifey's boob(s). Wow.
  
  
• Also at the Childbirth Prep class we learned that the average baby sleeps 13 - 17 hours a day. I'm all for more sleeping so this isn't one of the scary facts. I'm assuming my kids are going to sleep 17 hours a day because it makes me feel better.
  
  
• Something doesn't add up here. If babies sleep 17 hours a day, how the hell can they eat 10 times a day and still have time to mess up 12 diapers? Even assuming they multi-task and take care of the diapers while sleeping and eating they still seem to have a pretty busy day. No wonder kids these days are over scheduled, they're overbooked the day they pop out.
  

We haven't posted a picture of pregnant Shae lately, so we took another one yesterday. I think she's gotten a little bigger since last time we posted a pic. Let's just say Shae + (2 babies * ~32 weeks) =

As you can see in the second pic, Shae's shirt (thanks Mom!) has two very true messages. There are twins in Shae's belly, and her twins are moving south.

Finally, it seems like everyone nests differently. Some clean, some get the baby room ready, and some make new mirrors for the master bathroom. You can guess where Shae falls.

Prepping for Chidbirth

It was a tough two days, but Shae and I survived our "Childbirth Prep" class. Since I'm such an expert (we have a certificate and everything) I thought I'd share what I learned. Basically, it all comes down to one thing: this whole process is gross. If that's not enough for you, I'll recap the highlights from the class.

Before I start the recap, I have a couple of general thoughts about the weekend:

• First, it's become apparent to me that humans are not made to sit in any sort of class all day. I don't know how kids do it. No matter how old you are, or what the class is, eventually everyone starts to drift off, watch the clock, and hope for the class to be over. It doesn't matter if it's elementary school, college, work-related training, or (apparently) childbirth prep. You might think that a two day class that you sign up for voluntarily (well...Shae volunteered for both of us) and pay for might be different, but you'd be wrong. By the end of the first day both Shae and I were completely exhausted. We came home and immediately took a two-hour nap. We found out Sunday that pretty much everyone else did the same thing, including the teacher. The women have an excuse (growing babies and all), but the guys don't (unless you count putting up with pregnant women, which is exhausting but doesn't get the same sympathy as actually being pregnant).
  
  
• I don't think anyone in the class was mature enough to have kids. Obviously everyone there has had sex at least once, but that didn't seem to make the conversations any less awkward. The entire weekend was full of giggles, "that's what got us into this in the first place" comments, and basically the maturity level of a sixth grade sex ed lecture. Shae and I fit right in.
  
  
• This isn't related to the class at all, but I don't think NBC knows what "Live" means. Last night after our long day of class Shae and I were relaxing while watching some of the Olympics. I had seen the outcome of the events hours earlier online, yet there was "Live" up in the right corner of the screen. At one point (9pm to be exact) they decided they'd prove they were live by showing the time in Beijing and the time in the US. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure 8pm central is not equivalent to 9pm pacific. Then it got worse: as I sat there and watched I had to listen to the anchors brag about how NBC was doing us a huge favor to bring us these events live. I have a whole rant on tape-delayed events in the age of the Internet, but that's not what this post is about so let's just move on.
  

OK, on with the weekend recap.

Shae and I got to class bright and early and were the first students there. We got our little visitor sticker badges, found the conference room, signed in, and grabbed copies of all the goodies provided for us. We got a diaper, a book, and a ton of useful information that will probably sit on a table unread until after we need it. Since we were the first couple there we had our pick of the seats. Obviously we chose pretty much the worst seats in the room. We rule. My chair was the squeakiest in the room so for the rest of the weekend every time I switched positions the whole class got to hear about it.

Eventually the other couples (and one single) showed up and we got the party started. The teacher seemed to understand her audience (pregnant women and men who had been dragged to class) and she was really good. We learned a lot of good stuff, but rather than go over all of it here are a few highlights (that's right, another list; I might rename this blog "Lists Of The Lorigans").

• We started with the standard introductions where all the parents-to-be share their due dates (once again our date was a month after everyone else's and yet Shae looked the most pregnant), baby names, baby sexes, doctor, etc. In response to one of the doctors, the teacher asked her what she thought of him. "Uhhh...he's okay. Ehh...he was kinda creepy at first, but..." Not the biggest vote of confidence. I didn't take it as the best sign when our teacher figured she should remind us that we can change doctors right up until the babies pop out if we want. I'm glad we like our doc. I've just about forgiven her for finding that extra baby.
  
  
• To help explain why women have so much discomfort during pregnancy, we were shown pictures of the female anatomy before and during pregnancy. Stomach pushed up (in Shae's case, just under her boobs), bladder squished, and everything else shoved out of the way. The picture showed one kid, but I'm sure that there's not much difference with two in there.
  
  
• We learned some tricks to help when the kids (especially Ella) are kicking the same spot over and over. Apparently the flashlight trick that Shae read about a few months back annoys them and they'll move to get away from it. Also, you can ice the area where her foot is kicking and she'll move to get away from the cold. I'm all for new ways to annoy my kids before I even get to see them.
  
  
• We were talking about when the babies "drop" and someone asked how she'd be able to tell when it happened. They went over a whole bunch of ways I didn't really pay attention to. I'll be able to tell when our babies drop because Shae's boobs will stop resting on her stomach. Then Shae's boobs growled at me. It must have been getting close to lunch time.
  
  
• They used to teach kegle exercises in the class, but the guys got...umm...excited (the teacher's word) so they don't do that anymore. I think I'm happy that part got dropped from the curriculum.
  
  
• One of the signs of impending labor is Shae will start nesting. Apparently she's going to randomly start cleaning everything up in the middle of the night to get ready for the babies. I'm hoping that phase lasts a long time and the house gets vacuumed.
  
  
• About 11% of the time a woman's water breaks to indicate the start of labor. In my vast experience (TV and movies), it's closer to 100%. I'm sure the teacher must have been wrong because Hollywood wouldn't lie to me.
  
  
• We learned a few positions that are supposed to help Shae get through labor. For a few, there were cards with pictures that were given to a couple to act out and then the rest of the class tried it. Here's the transcript of an exchange between the teacher and one of the dads over the position they were supposed to demo (well, just his questions, the teacher answered yes to all of them):
  

  You want us to do this?
  With the pillow?
  Do we put one on the ground for her knees?
  

  I snapped a picture of the card with my phone to share with you guys. If you remember my earlier remark about the maturity level of the class you'll be able to get a decent idea of the reaction to this position.
  
  
• After being shown the vacuum that is sometimes used to help pull the baby out, I had a question: If you have good insurance do they use a Dyson vacuum?
  
  
• We spent quite a bit of time the second day on breast feeding. There are way too many jokes about boobs to make about this section of the class so I'm not going to make them all here. Rest assured I made plenty during class.
  
  
• The teacher showed us a few ways to hold our babies, one of which is the "football cradle". One of the other dads informed her she was doing it wrong because she wasn't covering the baby with her off hand. I bet she fumbles a lot.

That's about it for the recap. Throughout the class I wrote down some or the more interesting events/quotes so I wouldn't forget them later. I can only imagine what the girl next to me must have thought when I grabbed the notebook and wrote furiously at what must have seemed like random times.

"They shove pills and balloons up there? What am I, a drug mule?" --Shizzle (after watching a video on methods of inducing labor)

Videos and Vacuums

A couple of additions to yesterday's post:

• Shae and I are enrolled in a "birthing class" this weekend. It's 9 - 3 Saturday and Sunday. Seriously? 12 hours of info on birthing? I'm pretty sure we're going to be watching at least one of those horrible videos they made us watch in health class. I think it's a little late to scare us out of starting down the pregnancy path. I'm terrified of this weekend. I think by noon on Saturday I'm going to be sitting there in shock, and by 3 o'clock Sunday afternoon I'll probably be catatonic. Yay!
  
  
• As Shae and I were laying in bed last night, a commercial for the "Pos-T-Vac" vacuum therapy system came on. I couldn't find the actual commercial from last night, but I did find this video on YouTube. I don't want to ruin it, but it's a vacuum for your...ummm...package that supposedly is for people who don't want to use the little blue pill. Oh, and apparently it's covered by medicare. I'd love to see that receipt. In my search for the commercial I also came across this page (scroll about halfway down). If I were looking for reviews on shop vacs, I'm not sure a junk vac would be very useful. At least a carrying case is included.
  

Strippers, Babies, and Ponies

Just a few random thoughts and stories from the past week or so. I'm too lazy to worry about transition sentences, so we're going with a list.

• A couple of blocks up the road from my house there's a "Gentlemen's Club" with the classy name "Little Darlings". "Little Darlings" is the only building on either side of the road for a block or so. It's painted orange with turquoise trim (until recently it was pink). Most days there is a sign out front on the sidewalk advertising the current event/special: "Free lunch 12-4pm. No cover until 4pm!", "Thursday night: Bridget the Midget", "Wednesday: Pudding night", etc. Seriously, I didn't make any of those up; they're all actual ads that have been on the board at least once in the past year. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the place doesn't exactly blend in. I'm pretty sure the blind guys at the convalescent home down the block can see it. So imagine my surprise when a few weeks ago they started putting up tons of bright balloons on the sidewalk every day. Is there really anyone driving by who somehow missed the orange/turquoise building, free lunch, and Bridget the Midget who sees some balloons and says to himself "Ooohh! Balloons! Wait...is that a strip club? I have to stop right now!"? On second thought, I like balloons...I'll be right back.
  
  
• Ella and Jackson are still growing like crazy (that's why you get a list...I'm not even going to attempt to transition from "Little Darlings" to my little darlings). Shae tells me that in the past couple of days they have grown much faster than her belly. Right now Jackson is sticking out the lower-right side of Shae's belly and Ella's jutting out the upper-left. You can actually push them into each other and then feel them kick each other. I'm sure they love that.
  
  
• Staying with the babies, my daughter kicked me in the face the other day. I've heard of this happening to others, but it's still a little upsetting when your kid kicks you in the mouth. I was explaining to Ella that if she didn't stop kicking her mother in the ribs she wasn't going to be the favorite when she came out. Apparently she didn't like that so she responded with a kick to my mouth. Having a daughter is going to be super.
  
  
• On Saturday, we (we being me, Chris, Patty, Lamb, and Wendy) went up to the Del Mar Fair and caught some horse races. Nothing quite like putting down a huge $2 on the 2-horse and having the ticket guy frown at you. "$2 on Number 3. Anything else? No? Really? Huh." I'm sure everyone will be shocked, but I didn't win a single bet. That's right, I squandered away a whole $10. I even managed to lose despite betting on 3 horses in a 4 horse race. Yet another thing I'm awesome at.
  
  
• They had a chili cookoff at the racetrack so we got to wander around with a little plastic cup and spoon and taste a bunch of chili. After trying most of the contenders I had consumed almost enough chili to consider it a free lunch. I think everyone was scared of being too spicy for the horse racing crowd because none of the chili was the least bit spicy. I turned in my ballot with #109 at the top and felt pretty confident in my vote. Then my buddy Lamb came over and asked if I had tried the one that tasted exactly like Stagg chili. Sure enough, when I thought about it #109 tasted like it came right out of the can. I have outstanding taste.
  
  
• If you want to end this post on a happy note, you should probably skip right down to the quote(s) from Shizzle. If you're still reading you probably stayed one race too long, just like us. Jumping back to early in the day, we were waiting to pay for parking and Chris tried to sound like he knew something about horse racing by throwing out "I'm putting my money on the 5 horse in the 7th race." Nevermind the fact none of us knew if there were even 7 races (there were 10 actually), it was an impressive show of racing lingo. After a day of chili and racing the 7th race finally came around and Chris put down his big money ($2 of course) on "Crazy Cash". There's no way this could go bad, right? Wrong. After shooting out to an early lead, Crazy Cash proceeded to fall to the back of the pack. By the time we turned around to watch the horses finish (the screen and the track were on opposite sides of us so we watched most of the race on the screen and then the finish "live"), Crazy Cash was nowhere to be seen. Finally, CC came into view. Just as I was making a comment to Chris about his awesome skill at picking winners, I noticed that CC was missing a jockey and seemed to be limping. Somewhere towards the end of the race (after we had turned around) CC had fallen and broken a leg. It got pretty quiet pretty quick. They brought out a little screen to block the view from the grandstand (not a good sign) and a trailer from a local horse sanctuary (a better sign). As we left the track we weren't sure what happend to Crazy Cash, but the next day I found a a recap on the day's races that included the information that CC had been euthanized on the track. RIP Crazy Cash. Definitely a downer end to an otherwise great day.
  

"Our babies are going to lose their fur this week! Awesome!" --Shizzle

"When I lay down, my boobs are bigger than my stomach...maybe."
--Shizzle (Bonus quote because she threw that one out while I was typing)

How Do We Live Without Them!

The other day I was sitting at work trying to figure out how to wipe the dripping sweat from my cleavage without my students noticing. It got me thinking that someone really needs to make a boob deodorant for pregnant women. After my students left I went to the trusty internet to do some research. I was unable to find any magical boob sweat remover, but I did find a bunch of other interesting products for pregnant women.

The first product I came across was something called Mommy Sox. These little socks are supposed to relieve all the foot pain that comes with pregnancy. Wanna know what I think? I don't think a little piece of cotton is going to fix the problem of having 30 extra pounds trying to flatten out your arches. Besides, what pregnant woman can actually put socks on? I don't even remember the last time I could fit by big swollen feet into a pair of shoes that actually required socks, let alone tie the damn things.

Next up is a product called Mamma Spanx. These are footless pantyhose for pregos. Again, how is a prego supposed to actually put these horribly unfashionable items on? And why are they footless? I guess it's so we can wear them with our mamma sox and start a whole new trend. I love the pictures of all the women wearing really high heels in the photos. I have yet to see a pregnant woman wear anything but flip flops.

This next one I came across is just ridiculous. It is the Baby Chime. Basically they are bells that come on a long necklace and they sit on your stomach. So now you have all the annoyances of babies kicking you and they have to go and add a bell. Remember back in days when everyone wore bells on their shoes at Christmas time? Think of having 9 months of bells. I guess it is supposed to calm the baby down both in the womb and then again outside. If I was a baby listening to a bell for 9 months and then my mother shook the thing around after I was born, I think I would lose it.

I can actually see a use for this one. Well, only if I walked around public places with my shirt pulled up. Touch My Tummy Tattoos. These are temporary tattoos that you put on your stomach to tell people either were to touch, or to keep their hands off. I don't know how many times I have gone into the grocery store and have had random women walk up to me and rub my belly while asking if I was pregnant.

I just have to laugh at something called a Belly Up. They are like little suspenders that connect your pants to your bra. I guess they are supposed to combat the horribleness of ass crack. If you have ever been pregnant then you know how tight and thick the bands of maternity pants are, so why would you need suspenders? And another thing, Do we really need something that is pulling our boobs down even further?

I think this one has to be my favorite product. It is the V2 Supporter. Yes ladies, they now make jock straps just for us. Apparently it is supposed to prevent excessive swelling in the vulva area. Ummm, can we say gross? How big does your vag have to get to warrant the use of this contraption?

The Miss Oops Popper Stoppers seem like a really stupid idea. They are like little band aids for you popped out belly button. Everyone knows that part of being pregnant is waiting for your belly button to pop. Maybe they think that if people cant see their turkey timer, then they wont know they are pregnant. They must not be having twins.

I have decided to group these next products together. I can't believe how many products are available just for nipples! Breast Shells are little plastic discs that cover the nipple and "encourage" them to stick out further. I think sticking your chest in the freezer for a few seconds will do the same thing. Apparently you use these before breast feeding. During the feeding you can use Nipple Shields. These things look like the nipples that are on regular bottles but you stick them to yourself and the baby sucks your nipple into it like a vacuum. No wonder men act like Hoovers. Lets not forget about all the different creams, lotions and gels that are out there to sooth yourself after feeding. I equate these to Udder Cream for cows. I found a product called the Booby Tube but I have no idea what it is for. I just like the name. There is also a Shower Hug. You wrap this around your chest during a shower to protect sensitive nipples. How are you supposed to clean yourself if you have a big band wrapped around you. I guess these women never get sweaty breasts. Lucky. My favorite are Breast Pads. These are just maxi pads for your boobs.

So I just have to wonder what life was like before all of these products. I mean, how did women survive. Obviously we are not supposed to breastfeed without a ton of nipple products and our stomachs will fall off if we don't use all the support garments out there. I guess no one ever got pregnant before we had all of these miracle products. I better go out and do some shopping so my stomach doesn't fall off and God forbid if people see my belly button.

"Babies, stop kicking your mother. I want her to be nice to me tonight." --Pat

More Pics Of The Kids

Shae and I had yet another ultrasound yesterday. You can find the pics over in the twins gallery. Ella was very cooperative this time and we actually got couple of semi-3D views of her face. Jackson on the other hand, not so much. He spent the entire appointment hiding from the camera and the pics of him are what I would expect an ultrasound of Picasso's kid to look like. His face is kind of visible if you look hard enough, but his images from the last ultrasound are much better. About the only thing we got a good look at was Jack's junk (I like that one enough I'm going to use it again). Even then I got his leg and his dangler confused. I don't know if that says more about my boy's package or how difficult it was to get a good look at him yesterday. Obviously, I'm going with Option A.

In other baby news, for the past couple of weeks whenever I get home from work Ella starts kicking at the sound of my voice. At first I thought it was just random timing due to Shae moving around when I got home, but then I realized she actually moves around at the sound of my voice. It was such a special moment. Then we were eating dinner with some friends, one of whom was a guy, and she started jumping around at the sound of his voice. So in the span of about 10 seconds I went from feeling so special that my daughter knew my voice to the realization that my daughter just loves boys. All boys. Great. Just shoot me now.

"I must be hungry, my boobs are growling." --Shizzle
(For anyone not aware, the babies kind of push everything out of their way as they grow. Shae's stomach has migrated north and now resides somewhere around her knockers.)

Baby Shower (South)

One day after dealing with changing a doll's diaper I had to deal with something really scary: Shae's baby shower (South). I somehow managed to get roped into attending the shower. The excuse used by Shae was that I needed to be around to take care of the dog. I think she just wanted to make me deal with 20 baby-crazy women.

The day started off bright and early with Erica (the shower hostess) and me making a 7am trip down to Vons to get some balloons. Of course the balloon counter was closed, so we got the 15-year-old working the customer service desk to help us out. I'm not sure he had ever worked the balloon counter before, but after about 30 minutes we finally got our balloons inflated. About this time it occurred to us that maybe my car wasn't the one to take to pick up balloons. Too late to do anything now so Erica and I got to deal with balloons smacking us in the back of the head on the drive back home. This day is off to a great start.

After we got back home we took care of a few final setup things (put up some banners, put the soda on ice, etc) and got ready for the "fun". At around 10:00 the guests started showing up (right on time). At around 10:01 I popped open my first beer, put the dog on his leash, and set up camp in the office. Since most of the shower attendees were seeing our house for the first time I ended up giving a few tours of the house. So far my attempts to hide from the women are not working out so well.

Somehow the ladies ended up hanging out in the living room instead of out on the patio. This wouldn't have been an issue except that the food was in the dining room and it was impossible for me to sneak out and grab food without being seen by the party goers. Luckily I had Lunchbox with me so if I needed to run back to the office and hide out I could just "accidentally" drop his leash (oops!). After about 10 seconds of my well-trained dog sniffing everyone's crotch they were all thankful to have me escort him out of the room. Good boy Lunchbox!

Anyway, the shower seemed like a lot of fun for the ladies. Lots of games, some good food, and at the end lots of good gifts. There are some photos over here.

To anyone not in the San Diego area, there will be a co-ed shower up in Lockwood shortly after the twins are born. We were trying to schedule it in August, but couldn't find a date that worked for everyone. It's looking like October sometime, but we'll have more info closer to the date. BBQ, babies, and beer, or something like that.

A Walking Pharmacy

So on Friday, July 11th Shae and I attended our first baby class: "Baby Care Basics". I've been busy for the past week, but I finally had time to share our experience, so here you go.

We walked into the classroom and saw three tables in a "U" with about seven dolls spread over them. There was one couple already there, so Shae found the cutest available doll and we took our seat. I started messing around with the doll and the teacher came back into the room and told us that we would be treating the dolls like they were real babies. Of course, as she said this I was holding ours upside down by one leg. Good thing they don't give us grades. I thought I was going to get off easy and have Shae do all the work until we mentioned we were the ones having twins and the teacher gave us another baby. There goes that plan.

Rather than recap the whole class, here are some highlights:

• All but one of the other couples due dates' were in August, most of them in the first half of the month. The other couple was due in November (another set of twins). Shae's baby-belly was as big or bigger than all the other moms-to-be. I can't even imagine what she's going to be like in another month or two. She is not going to be a happy prego.
  
• The guy next to us dropped his baby. He tried to play it off, and I don't know if anyone else noticed, but he dropped his little boy while changing his diaper. At least I didn't drop my doll.
• Our teacher was a Certified Lactation Expert (or something like that). Let's just say that she was...umm...built for the job.
  
• Shae is about to turn into a walking pharmacy. Apparently breast milk is some sort of super-drug. We were told that her breast milk will cure all kinds of problems not just on our babies, but on us too. Cuts, zits, eye infections, etc. Just a squirt of boob-juice will fix them right up. That may be true, but if I get an eye infection I'll get some drops rather than let my wife squirt the super-juice in my eye. Yuck.
• Newborns go through about 10-12 diapers a day. That's 24 diapers a day, or 168 a week. Holy crap! I need to go buy some stock in Pampers. This is going to suck.
• A quote from the "coursebook":

  Breasts: Both male and female babies can have swollen breasts. They may even leak milk from their nipples. This is due to maternal hormones that have filtered through to the baby in utero. Do not try to express milk from your baby's nipples. The swelling will disappear withing a week or two.

To recap what I learned: babies are gross. They're hairy, they pee all over the place, they crap out some sort of tar for the first couple of days, and they come out of the hoo-ha with coneheads. Tar crapping, pee spraying, hairy coneheads. This is going to be awesome.

"I wonder if the babies fart in their amniotic fluid. Do you think it bubbles?" --Shizzle

One Big Ass Stroller

As promised (and requested), I posted some pics of the giant stroller.

You can find them in the baby stuff gallery.

Just to illustrate how damn big this thing is, here it is running over our poor puppy:

That's right, my dog fits underneath my stroller. He didn't even move.

Because I don't think there have been enough pics of pregnant Shae on my blog:

Just so I get a little face time, here's me practicing my baby-driving:

One other thing I noticed in these pics is that the reflectors are ridiculous (just like the rest of the stroller). It seriously looks like the thing has headlights in the pictures with the flash.

To give everyone an update on wifey, she's doing fine except her back and her ass are killing her. Her quote, "I swear to God one of them is sitting on my ass nerve!"

Some More Pics

Not a lot going on right now, and they've actually been making me do stuff at work lately so I haven't had much time to update. I might have to complain to my supervisor if they're actually going to make me work. I didn't sign up for that. (Since I already gave my work-related rant for the year, I won't get into my phone issue except to say that my phone line got swapped with someone else's on June 28th and I was told to send everything to voicemail until the issue is fixed -- on July 15th. It's not like I need a phone line to do my job or anything. OK, moving on.)

That being said, we had another ultrasound last week so we have some more pictures. Ella decided she didn't like the tech bothering her so she kept kicking back every time the tech pushed down to get a better view. This is what we got:

We also got a decent shot of Jackson's profile. Shae says he has my nose and chin:

You can view the rest of pics over in the twins gallery.

Hopefully we'll have some pics of the stroller up in the next couple of days.

Humping Poohs (And Other Reasons I'm Not Mature Enough For Babies)

This weekend was hot. Shae and I basically spent the whole weekend just trying to stay cool and do as little as possible. Somehow we still managed to do enough to give me something to write about.

Friday:
In preparation for the scorching weekend we decided this might be a good time to buy the single-room portable A/C unit a co-worker was selling (he decided to put in real A/C). On the way home, we swung by and picked up our stroller at REI. After the now-standard Shae pee stop, I knew we might be in trouble when the guy at the customer service desk grabbed the biggest box and brought it out to us. He asked if we needed help carrying it out or setting it up, but I was too proud to accept so I wrestled the giant box out to the car and loaded it next to the A/C.

We got home, unloaded the car, hooked up the A/C unit, and tried to cool off. After about an hour or so, we decided it would be more fun to go play in the sprinklers than sitting on the couch (Shae said the dog would have fun, I think she just wanted to try out her new maternity swimsuit). Watching Shae "run" through the sprinklers (I'm not nearly ballsy enough to try to describe Shae's run, so I'll just let you guys picture her jumping through the sprinklers pregnant while the dog chased her) I couldn't help but think about the picture of her as a two-year-old running through the sprinklers that was part of our wedding center pieces. She hasn't changed a bit, right? Right?!? (Just nod...she's standing right next to me):

After we cooled off, we headed back inside and decided it was time to put the stroller together. I don't think there's any way I can properly describe the experience, but I'll try. Shae had a full-on temper tantrum trying to open the box so I had to take over the assembly, which went pretty quickly (of course the "assembly" was putting three wheels on, but I'm still taking credit). The first thing about the stroller is that it's huge. It finally hit me that we're going to have two babies. Holy crap! This stroller fits through a doorway but it's close. However, it doesn't fit through the mini-doorway to our hallway so once we get it in our door we're stuck in the entryway. The stroller has seat pockets and cupholders (for the kids). Know what else the stroller has? Quick release tires and suspension. This thing is somewhere between a nice bike and a cheap car. What the hell is this world coming to? Did I mention the thing is huge, yet? Because it is.

Saturday:
Today Shae finally dragged me out to Babies "R" Us to register for baby stuff (the need to get into an air conditioned building had nothing to do with it). Upon entering the store Shae had a decision to make: go the registry desk (right by the door), or use the bathroom (all the way in the back)? I think everyone can guess which one she chose, but eventually we got back to the registry desk. After witnessing a pregnant woman yell at a manager for a while because of some problem with her registry (pregnant women scare me...note to self: be nice to Shae), we got our gun and started off to register.

About 10 minutes into the registering two things became very clear to me:

1. There is a ton of baby stuff you need, and I have no idea how you are supposed to know what to choose. I mean, what is the difference between a $50 breast pump and a $350 breast pump? There are like 10,000 different toys. Which ones do you choose? It's easy for the dog, he destroys them all in like five minutes so you just pick the cheapest ones.
2. I am nowhere near mature enough for babies. I might not know the difference between a $50 and a $350 breast pump, but I do know I laugh at the term "breast pump" regardless of the price tag (although I laugh harder at the $350 one because I figure it must be 7 times funnier). I also pointed the scanner at Shae's butt and boobs and made the "beep" noise every chance I got. Of course, then I saw that someone had positioned two Pooh bears in an...umm...interesting position (we'll call them Humping Poohs because I'm feeling so mature today) and I knew I wasn't the only one who might not be quite ready for kids. Either that or someone brought their kids with them to the store.
   

I also came across some disturbing information you guys may not be aware of: babies are expensive. I know, it came as quite a shock to me too but it's true. Car seats, clothes, bottles, breast pumps (still makes me giggle a little), etc. I'm beginning to think these things may not be the money makers I was hoping for, even with the tax deduction.

When we turned the registry gun back in, we got a little gift packet. It was mostly advertisements and coupons, but there were two interesting items. The first was a little book of baby names and meanings. Ella means "sprightly", and Jackson means "son of Jack" (never would have guessed that one). When we looked up Jack we got "Form of John", and when we looked up John we got...nothing. How can you define a name as "Form of John" and then not have John in your book? Who writes these things?

The second item of interest was a diaper for a newborn. I didn't think all that much of it, but Shae couldn't get over how tiny the diaper was. "Their butts are going to be that small?!?" She put the diaper in the giant stroller and forced me to look at how small the diaper was. "I'm not ready to be a mom. I'm going to break my babies. There is no way they are going to be that small." Somehow the tiny diaper had the same effect on Shae that the giant stroller had on me: "Holy crap! We're having babies and we are nowhere near ready."

Sunday:
Lunchbox "LB" Lorigan, C.G.C.

Our little boy is all grown up. That's right, he gets letters after his name now because today Lunchbox passed his Canine Good Citizenship (CGC) test. I'm not going to say LB aced his test, but at least he passed. Between the time (8am, right in the middle of his waking-up time), the distractions (bugs, birds, other dogs), and his overall mood (let's call it crappy) I can't imagine LB could have done any worse on the test, but he still passed. Once we send in the paperwork, we'll get a certificate that will certify that our dog is a C.G.C. It's like he graduated from medical school or something. Of course, he's probably taken more classes than most M.D.s. On that note, I'm going to go play in the sprinklers with Good Citizen Box and try to stay cool.


One last note before I sign off for the weekend. We have some photos posted of the work we did in the baby room last weekend (in the House album). If anyone wants to see Shae (and me) nesting, take a look at the pics here.

My Turn

I guess it is about time I write something. I just can't let Pat have all the fun. This entry is dedicated to all those women out there who have told me how wonderful being pregnant is and how much they loved it. My question for you is what were you on because the whole pregnancy thing SUCKS! Ok, well, physically it sucks. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the fact that Ella and Jackson will be here soon, but why must women go through hell for it. Let me start at the top and work my way down.

Do you remember when you were about 13 and puberty started to kick in? I do. Wanna know what I remember most about it? The zits! Guess what, they're back. It's like I went to sleep one night and the hormones all kicked in and decided it would be funny to make me relive a miserable time in my life. Why don't the books tell you about zits!!! I am not glowing, I am zitting.

If you work your way down what do you think comes next? Yup, boobs. My chest has always been on the larger side for as long as I can remember. They have never been too big, despite what my parents say. Now they are. They are heavy, in the way, and I can't button my shirts anymore. I used to like going bra shopping and picking out all the cute ones, but apparently they don't make cute ones in a size 38 OMG. I went to the maternity store for a bathing suit for an upcoming trip and I even had trouble fitting them into a maternity suit. The woman behind the counter informed me that they carry a "sleeping bra" for night time support. I didn't understand the point of it until last night when I was laying in bed and I rolled over. You know what they did? They clapped. That's right. I rolled over and my boobs clapped. I guess I could use a little night time support. For now they are just going to have to be happy resting on my stomach. There is one other thing that you are not informed of when you get pregnant. Your boobs change colors. I'm not going to go into detail here, but I will say two words: burnt pancakes.

Ok, here comes the fun part, my stomach. You know when a snake swallows a tennis ball and it gets stuck and it just looks ridiculous. Well I look like I swallowed a huge watermelon and it got stuck. I am only 23 weeks so I am supposed to have a cute little bump. I am not supposed to look like I'm about to explode yet. Damn twins. I do have to say I have been fortunate enough not to get any of the dreaded stretch marks yet. Not only is my stomach a boob holder, it is also a punching bag. Sure it's cute when the babies kick every once in awhile, but when you are trying to sleep or get some work done, they decide it would be fun to start kicking each other and me. Actually I think only one is kicking because the other one is squeezing my bladder and I know they can't multi task yet.

That brings us to the bladder. So when I used to sit on the couch in the evenings and I had the urge to go to the bathroom it was no big deal. I would wait till a break and then make my way to the throne. Now when I am sitting or laying down and I have to go, I better get my ass to the bathroom pronto! When I sit up, the weight of the babies all go to the bladder. Imagine having to pee really bad and then having someone put a watermelon right on top of your bladder. It can be a little uncomfortable.

Moving a little further south we encounter an area I can no longer see. When we go to the doctors office they always make me pee in a cup. Well today, I could no longer see the cup so I had to do it by sound. Do you understand how hard it is to blindly pee into a little tiny Dixie cup? HARD. Good thing they have a lot of soap there.

Now for my feet. Yes my feet. I have always had wide feet so I have to wear wide shoes. Most often these are shoes that lace up. Well, if I can't pee into a cup, what makes you think I can bend over and tie my shoes? Not so much. I now have to wear my narrow slip on shoes with swollen feet, unless Pat wants to practice the shoe tying song.

Overall, all the changes your body goes through to get two beautiful babies, really sucks. I can no longer bend over. I need help getting off the couch, and rolling over has become a chore. So to all you women out there who loved being pregnant, I hope you at least went through hell during labor.

Is This A Joke?

Tonight Shae informed me that the babies have started producing their own hormones (that's right, I still haven't blocked her Internet access to the pregnancy websites). Super. If I made a list of things Shae needs right now, do you know what would be at the top? Me neither, but I know what would be at the bottom: more hormones. Thanks a lot kids. I have a feeling a lot more work is going to magically appear that will keep me at the office late. Weird how that works.

It's A ...

Today Shae and I finally went in for our first "real" ultrasound. We've gotten a look at the babies on our trips to see the doc, but today we went to see a specialist and got to take a look using a much better ultrasound machine. That means we were able to tell the sex(es) of the babies today. If you want to find out too, you'll have to put up with my recap first.

Thanks to awesome scheduling, our appointment was at 1:45, so I got to take half a day off of work (Shae does all the "work" and I get time off...go me). While Shae filled out the insurance paperwork, I looked for a magazine to read. All I had to choose from were pregnancy magazines and US Weekly (I guess there aren't too many men visiting this office), so I got to learn that famous people are "Just Like Us!" (they drink coffee, jog, and buy food...who knew?).

Eventually we got into the exam room and Shae jumped up on the table. The technician spread some gel all over my wife's stomach and we took a look at our babies. The quality of the ultrasound was way better than the little one our doc had used, and it was pretty cool to see the kids so much more clearly. We thought we were in for a quick look at the kids and then we'd find out the sex(es). Not so much. The technician took measurements and pictures of pretty much every body part you can imagine: arms, legs, heart (one of each side), head, brain, skeleton, kidneys, bloodflow (with pretty colors...oohh...ahhh), genitalia, and probably some I can't remember right now. After seeing pretty much every view of Baby A we could imagine, we finally got the one we wanted. If you can't tell from the pic, Baby A is a girl.


After we were done looking at Baby A, we went through the whole thing again with Baby B. Everything was pretty much the same, except for a pretty substantial difference (I'll give you a hint: it rhymes with "schmenis"):


So, to recap, Shae got ultrasound gel in every crack and crevice imaginable, I got half a day off work, and we found out we're having a boy and a girl. We were (not so) secretly hoping for one of each so we're really excited. Lunchbox gets a brother to play with him and a sister to dress him up; he's really excited (or it could have just been excitement over dinner, it's hard to tell). We didn't get sent home with all of the pics (they got sent to our doctor), but we got quite a few. You can take a look at them here.