- Shae and I are enrolled in a "birthing class" this weekend. It's 9 - 3 Saturday and Sunday. Seriously? 12 hours of info on birthing? I'm pretty sure we're going to be watching at least one of those horrible videos they made us watch in health class. I think it's a little late to scare us out of starting down the pregnancy path. I'm terrified of this weekend. I think by noon on Saturday I'm going to be sitting there in shock, and by 3 o'clock Sunday afternoon I'll probably be catatonic. Yay!
- As Shae and I were laying in bed last night, a commercial for the "Pos-T-Vac" vacuum therapy system came on. I couldn't find the actual commercial from last night, but I did find this video on YouTube. I don't want to ruin it, but it's a vacuum for your...ummm...package that supposedly is for people who don't want to use the little blue pill. Oh, and apparently it's covered by medicare. I'd love to see that receipt. In my search for the commercial I also came across this page (scroll about halfway down). If I were looking for reviews on shop vacs, I'm not sure a junk vac would be very useful. At least a carrying case is included.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Videos and Vacuums
A couple of additions to yesterday's post:
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Strippers, Babies, and Ponies
Just a few random thoughts and stories from the past week or so. I'm too lazy to worry about transition sentences, so we're going with a list.
"When I lay down, my boobs are bigger than my stomach...maybe."
--Shizzle (Bonus quote because she threw that one out while I was typing)
- A couple of blocks up the road from my house there's a "Gentlemen's Club" with the classy name "Little Darlings". "Little Darlings" is the only building on either side of the road for a block or so. It's painted orange with turquoise trim (until recently it was pink). Most days there is a sign out front on the sidewalk advertising the current event/special: "Free lunch 12-4pm. No cover until 4pm!", "Thursday night: Bridget the Midget", "Wednesday: Pudding night", etc. Seriously, I didn't make any of those up; they're all actual ads that have been on the board at least once in the past year. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the place doesn't exactly blend in. I'm pretty sure the blind guys at the convalescent home down the block can see it. So imagine my surprise when a few weeks ago they started putting up tons of bright balloons on the sidewalk every day. Is there really anyone driving by who somehow missed the orange/turquoise building, free lunch, and Bridget the Midget who sees some balloons and says to himself "Ooohh! Balloons! Wait...is that a strip club? I have to stop right now!"? On second thought, I like balloons...I'll be right back.
- Ella and Jackson are still growing like crazy (that's why you get a list...I'm not even going to attempt to transition from "Little Darlings" to my little darlings). Shae tells me that in the past couple of days they have grown much faster than her belly. Right now Jackson is sticking out the lower-right side of Shae's belly and Ella's jutting out the upper-left. You can actually push them into each other and then feel them kick each other. I'm sure they love that.
- Staying with the babies, my daughter kicked me in the face the other day. I've heard of this happening to others, but it's still a little upsetting when your kid kicks you in the mouth. I was explaining to Ella that if she didn't stop kicking her mother in the ribs she wasn't going to be the favorite when she came out. Apparently she didn't like that so she responded with a kick to my mouth. Having a daughter is going to be super.
- On Saturday, we (we being me, Chris, Patty, Lamb, and Wendy) went up to the Del Mar Fair and caught some horse races. Nothing quite like putting down a huge $2 on the 2-horse and having the ticket guy frown at you. "$2 on Number 3. Anything else? No? Really? Huh." I'm sure everyone will be shocked, but I didn't win a single bet. That's right, I squandered away a whole $10. I even managed to lose despite betting on 3 horses in a 4 horse race. Yet another thing I'm awesome at.
- They had a chili cookoff at the racetrack so we got to wander around with a little plastic cup and spoon and taste a bunch of chili. After trying most of the contenders I had consumed almost enough chili to consider it a free lunch. I think everyone was scared of being too spicy for the horse racing crowd because none of the chili was the least bit spicy. I turned in my ballot with #109 at the top and felt pretty confident in my vote. Then my buddy Lamb came over and asked if I had tried the one that tasted exactly like Stagg chili. Sure enough, when I thought about it #109 tasted like it came right out of the can. I have outstanding taste.
- If you want to end this post on a happy note, you should probably skip right down to the quote(s) from Shizzle. If you're still reading you probably stayed one race too long, just like us. Jumping back to early in the day, we were waiting to pay for parking and Chris tried to sound like he knew something about horse racing by throwing out "I'm putting my money on the 5 horse in the 7th race." Nevermind the fact none of us knew if there were even 7 races (there were 10 actually), it was an impressive show of racing lingo. After a day of chili and racing the 7th race finally came around and Chris put down his big money ($2 of course) on "Crazy Cash". There's no way this could go bad, right? Wrong. After shooting out to an early lead, Crazy Cash proceeded to fall to the back of the pack. By the time we turned around to watch the horses finish (the screen and the track were on opposite sides of us so we watched most of the race on the screen and then the finish "live"), Crazy Cash was nowhere to be seen. Finally, CC came into view. Just as I was making a comment to Chris about his awesome skill at picking winners, I noticed that CC was missing a jockey and seemed to be limping. Somewhere towards the end of the race (after we had turned around) CC had fallen and broken a leg. It got pretty quiet pretty quick. They brought out a little screen to block the view from the grandstand (not a good sign) and a trailer from a local horse sanctuary (a better sign). As we left the track we weren't sure what happend to Crazy Cash, but the next day I found a a recap on the day's races that included the information that CC had been euthanized on the track. RIP Crazy Cash. Definitely a downer end to an otherwise great day.
"When I lay down, my boobs are bigger than my stomach...maybe."
--Shizzle (Bonus quote because she threw that one out while I was typing)
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
How Do We Live Without Them!
The other day I was sitting at work trying to figure out how to wipe the dripping sweat from my cleavage without my students noticing. It got me thinking that someone really needs to make a boob deodorant for pregnant women. After my students left I went to the trusty internet to do some research. I was unable to find any magical boob sweat remover, but I did find a bunch of other interesting products for pregnant women.
The first product I came across was something called Mommy Sox. These little socks are supposed to relieve all the foot pain that comes with pregnancy. Wanna know what I think? I don't think a little piece of cotton is going to fix the problem of having 30 extra pounds trying to flatten out your arches. Besides, what pregnant woman can actually put socks on? I don't even remember the last time I could fit by big swollen feet into a pair of shoes that actually required socks, let alone tie the damn things.
Next up is a product called Mamma Spanx. These are footless pantyhose for pregos. Again, how is a prego supposed to actually put these horribly unfashionable items on? And why are they footless? I guess it's so we can wear them with our mamma sox and start a whole new trend. I love the pictures of all the women wearing really high heels in the photos. I have yet to see a pregnant woman wear anything but flip flops.
This next one I came across is just ridiculous. It is the Baby Chime. Basically they are bells that come on a long necklace and they sit on your stomach. So now you have all the annoyances of babies kicking you and they have to go and add a bell. Remember back in days when everyone wore bells on their shoes at Christmas time? Think of having 9 months of bells. I guess it is supposed to calm the baby down both in the womb and then again outside. If I was a baby listening to a bell for 9 months and then my mother shook the thing around after I was born, I think I would lose it.
I can actually see a use for this one. Well, only if I walked around public places with my shirt pulled up. Touch My Tummy Tattoos. These are temporary tattoos that you put on your stomach to tell people either were to touch, or to keep their hands off. I don't know how many times I have gone into the grocery store and have had random women walk up to me and rub my belly while asking if I was pregnant.
I just have to laugh at something called a Belly Up. They are like little suspenders that connect your pants to your bra. I guess they are supposed to combat the horribleness of ass crack. If you have ever been pregnant then you know how tight and thick the bands of maternity pants are, so why would you need suspenders? And another thing, Do we really need something that is pulling our boobs down even further?
I think this one has to be my favorite product. It is the V2 Supporter. Yes ladies, they now make jock straps just for us. Apparently it is supposed to prevent excessive swelling in the vulva area. Ummm, can we say gross? How big does your vag have to get to warrant the use of this contraption?
The Miss Oops Popper Stoppers seem like a really stupid idea. They are like little band aids for you popped out belly button. Everyone knows that part of being pregnant is waiting for your belly button to pop. Maybe they think that if people cant see their turkey timer, then they wont know they are pregnant. They must not be having twins.
I have decided to group these next products together. I can't believe how many products are available just for nipples! Breast Shells are little plastic discs that cover the nipple and "encourage" them to stick out further. I think sticking your chest in the freezer for a few seconds will do the same thing. Apparently you use these before breast feeding. During the feeding you can use Nipple Shields. These things look like the nipples that are on regular bottles but you stick them to yourself and the baby sucks your nipple into it like a vacuum. No wonder men act like Hoovers. Lets not forget about all the different creams, lotions and gels that are out there to sooth yourself after feeding. I equate these to Udder Cream for cows. I found a product called the Booby Tube but I have no idea what it is for. I just like the name. There is also a Shower Hug. You wrap this around your chest during a shower to protect sensitive nipples. How are you supposed to clean yourself if you have a big band wrapped around you. I guess these women never get sweaty breasts. Lucky. My favorite are Breast Pads. These are just maxi pads for your boobs.
So I just have to wonder what life was like before all of these products. I mean, how did women survive. Obviously we are not supposed to breastfeed without a ton of nipple products and our stomachs will fall off if we don't use all the support garments out there. I guess no one ever got pregnant before we had all of these miracle products. I better go out and do some shopping so my stomach doesn't fall off and God forbid if people see my belly button.
"Babies, stop kicking your mother. I want her to be nice to me tonight." --Pat
The first product I came across was something called Mommy Sox. These little socks are supposed to relieve all the foot pain that comes with pregnancy. Wanna know what I think? I don't think a little piece of cotton is going to fix the problem of having 30 extra pounds trying to flatten out your arches. Besides, what pregnant woman can actually put socks on? I don't even remember the last time I could fit by big swollen feet into a pair of shoes that actually required socks, let alone tie the damn things.
Next up is a product called Mamma Spanx. These are footless pantyhose for pregos. Again, how is a prego supposed to actually put these horribly unfashionable items on? And why are they footless? I guess it's so we can wear them with our mamma sox and start a whole new trend. I love the pictures of all the women wearing really high heels in the photos. I have yet to see a pregnant woman wear anything but flip flops.
This next one I came across is just ridiculous. It is the Baby Chime. Basically they are bells that come on a long necklace and they sit on your stomach. So now you have all the annoyances of babies kicking you and they have to go and add a bell. Remember back in days when everyone wore bells on their shoes at Christmas time? Think of having 9 months of bells. I guess it is supposed to calm the baby down both in the womb and then again outside. If I was a baby listening to a bell for 9 months and then my mother shook the thing around after I was born, I think I would lose it.
I can actually see a use for this one. Well, only if I walked around public places with my shirt pulled up. Touch My Tummy Tattoos. These are temporary tattoos that you put on your stomach to tell people either were to touch, or to keep their hands off. I don't know how many times I have gone into the grocery store and have had random women walk up to me and rub my belly while asking if I was pregnant.
I just have to laugh at something called a Belly Up. They are like little suspenders that connect your pants to your bra. I guess they are supposed to combat the horribleness of ass crack. If you have ever been pregnant then you know how tight and thick the bands of maternity pants are, so why would you need suspenders? And another thing, Do we really need something that is pulling our boobs down even further?
I think this one has to be my favorite product. It is the V2 Supporter. Yes ladies, they now make jock straps just for us. Apparently it is supposed to prevent excessive swelling in the vulva area. Ummm, can we say gross? How big does your vag have to get to warrant the use of this contraption?
The Miss Oops Popper Stoppers seem like a really stupid idea. They are like little band aids for you popped out belly button. Everyone knows that part of being pregnant is waiting for your belly button to pop. Maybe they think that if people cant see their turkey timer, then they wont know they are pregnant. They must not be having twins.
I have decided to group these next products together. I can't believe how many products are available just for nipples! Breast Shells are little plastic discs that cover the nipple and "encourage" them to stick out further. I think sticking your chest in the freezer for a few seconds will do the same thing. Apparently you use these before breast feeding. During the feeding you can use Nipple Shields. These things look like the nipples that are on regular bottles but you stick them to yourself and the baby sucks your nipple into it like a vacuum. No wonder men act like Hoovers. Lets not forget about all the different creams, lotions and gels that are out there to sooth yourself after feeding. I equate these to Udder Cream for cows. I found a product called the Booby Tube but I have no idea what it is for. I just like the name. There is also a Shower Hug. You wrap this around your chest during a shower to protect sensitive nipples. How are you supposed to clean yourself if you have a big band wrapped around you. I guess these women never get sweaty breasts. Lucky. My favorite are Breast Pads. These are just maxi pads for your boobs.
So I just have to wonder what life was like before all of these products. I mean, how did women survive. Obviously we are not supposed to breastfeed without a ton of nipple products and our stomachs will fall off if we don't use all the support garments out there. I guess no one ever got pregnant before we had all of these miracle products. I better go out and do some shopping so my stomach doesn't fall off and God forbid if people see my belly button.
"Babies, stop kicking your mother. I want her to be nice to me tonight." --Pat
Thursday, July 24, 2008
More Pics Of The Kids
Shae and I had yet another ultrasound yesterday. You can find the pics over in the twins gallery. Ella was very cooperative this time and we actually got couple of semi-3D views of her face. Jackson on the other hand, not so much. He spent the entire appointment hiding from the camera and the pics of him are what I would expect an ultrasound of Picasso's kid to look like. His face is kind of visible if you look hard enough, but his images from the last ultrasound are much better. About the only thing we got a good look at was Jack's junk (I like that one enough I'm going to use it again). Even then I got his leg and his dangler confused. I don't know if that says more about my boy's package or how difficult it was to get a good look at him yesterday. Obviously, I'm going with Option A.In other baby news, for the past couple of weeks whenever I get home from work Ella starts kicking at the sound of my voice. At first I thought it was just random timing due to Shae moving around when I got home, but then I realized she actually moves around at the sound of my voice. It was such a special moment. Then we were eating dinner with some friends, one of whom was a guy, and she started jumping around at the sound of his voice. So in the span of about 10 seconds I went from feeling so special that my daughter knew my voice to the realization that my daughter just loves boys. All boys. Great. Just shoot me now.
"I must be hungry, my boobs are growling." --Shizzle
(For anyone not aware, the babies kind of push everything out of their way as they grow. Shae's stomach has migrated north and now resides somewhere around her knockers.)
A Weekend In Arizona
Last weekend Shae and I hit the road and headed to Sedona to spend the weekend with my mom. We figured the best time to head over to Arizona would be July. Nice and cool in the desert in July. Actually, it wasn't even that hot over there last weekend. The thermometer in my car only read '---' (meaning over the ~110 degree max that my car will register) once or twice on the trip, and it was in the mid 90's or so in Sedona. Downright frigid! I wish I had packed a coat.
The trip out of San Diego was pretty uneventful, but it got exciting in Yuma. You know what they had in Yuma? Gas prices that started with a 3 -- $3.99 (for regular, it cost me $4.22 for premium). I really hate that I was surprised to see gas under $4. That was pretty much the highlight of driving in Arizona. Phoenix/Glendale were not quite as friendly. Some big car fire forced the closure of the freeway we were on. I understand this stuff happens from time to time, and normally it would be a big deal. What made it a pain in the ass was that they forced everyone off the freeway, closed all the on-ramps, and didn't provide any signs to let drivers know where we were supposed to go. In California, we have these brand new technological marvels called detour signs. Hopefully someone in Arizona will cross the border and steal our idea. Seriously, how the hell can you close a freeway for over an hour (the accident was over an hour old by the time we got there) and not put up any signs notifying drivers how they're supposed to get back on the freeway.
Luckily my car's navigation system was made in a state that knows about these new "detours" so we were able to find our way back to the road. Good thing too, because if we hadn't we never would have gone by "Surprise Stadium". Until about four months ago I don't think I would have appreciated the name of the stadium as much as I do now. You know what the surprise is (at least as far as I can tell)? There are two stadiums. I had a surprise like that once. I'm naming them Ella and Jackson.
Apparently they have way too much money to spend on construction over in our neighbor to the East because every freeway we touched was under construction of some sort. However, nothing comes close to the work being done in and around Sedona. Someone has decided that traffic lights are too easy to understand so they're getting rid of the lights and putting in roundabouts. I think it has something to do with the environmental impact of idling at lights or something like that. I'm sure the roundabouts are a huge step forward, but my only experience with roundabouts in a semi-high traffic area was at a big shopping center in Fresno (ahh...beautiful Fresno). Every time Shae and I went to see a movie I witnessed at least one near-accident on the roundabouts and to this day I have no idea how I avoided ever being hit in those damn things. I'm sure there won't be any problems with the 10,000 of the things they're putting in Sedona though.
Once we actually got off the freeways of Arizona our trip was great. As I mentioned earlier, the weather was much cooler than we expected and we had a great time. Some time at the pool, several good meals (thanks Mom!), an interesting trolley ride (driven by a cowboy pun-master), and a massage for me and the pregnant wifey. A very relaxing time, and a nice break before the impending chaos that'll be arriving all too soon (I'm looking at you twins).
Speaking of massages, let's get to the age-old question of massages: guy or girl? I personally don't care as long as I get a good massage. I mean, is it really any more awkward to get rubbed down by a guy than a woman? Someone's rubbing oil all over and pretending the sheet over your dangle actually covers your stuff up. I don't think breasts make that any less uncomfortable than a set of franks and beans. I ended up getting the messy rub-down from a masseuse named Mark (one guess if that's a guy or a girl) and Shae got a special maternity massage from Alicia (again, I leave it up to you to guess the sex). We both were extremely happy with our massages and were nice and relaxed for the rest of the night.
The ride home wasn't nearly as eventful as our previous trip. There was no roadwork, no traffic, and we didn't get stripped searched at any of the Border Patrol checkpoints. The guy asking us if we had any fruit took a longer look in our car than any of the Border Patrol guys. So, to recap, almost 1000 miles of driving with a pregnant wife, 1 oily rubdown by a man, and an overall nice weekend.
The trip out of San Diego was pretty uneventful, but it got exciting in Yuma. You know what they had in Yuma? Gas prices that started with a 3 -- $3.99 (for regular, it cost me $4.22 for premium). I really hate that I was surprised to see gas under $4. That was pretty much the highlight of driving in Arizona. Phoenix/Glendale were not quite as friendly. Some big car fire forced the closure of the freeway we were on. I understand this stuff happens from time to time, and normally it would be a big deal. What made it a pain in the ass was that they forced everyone off the freeway, closed all the on-ramps, and didn't provide any signs to let drivers know where we were supposed to go. In California, we have these brand new technological marvels called detour signs. Hopefully someone in Arizona will cross the border and steal our idea. Seriously, how the hell can you close a freeway for over an hour (the accident was over an hour old by the time we got there) and not put up any signs notifying drivers how they're supposed to get back on the freeway.
Luckily my car's navigation system was made in a state that knows about these new "detours" so we were able to find our way back to the road. Good thing too, because if we hadn't we never would have gone by "Surprise Stadium". Until about four months ago I don't think I would have appreciated the name of the stadium as much as I do now. You know what the surprise is (at least as far as I can tell)? There are two stadiums. I had a surprise like that once. I'm naming them Ella and Jackson.
Apparently they have way too much money to spend on construction over in our neighbor to the East because every freeway we touched was under construction of some sort. However, nothing comes close to the work being done in and around Sedona. Someone has decided that traffic lights are too easy to understand so they're getting rid of the lights and putting in roundabouts. I think it has something to do with the environmental impact of idling at lights or something like that. I'm sure the roundabouts are a huge step forward, but my only experience with roundabouts in a semi-high traffic area was at a big shopping center in Fresno (ahh...beautiful Fresno). Every time Shae and I went to see a movie I witnessed at least one near-accident on the roundabouts and to this day I have no idea how I avoided ever being hit in those damn things. I'm sure there won't be any problems with the 10,000 of the things they're putting in Sedona though.
Once we actually got off the freeways of Arizona our trip was great. As I mentioned earlier, the weather was much cooler than we expected and we had a great time. Some time at the pool, several good meals (thanks Mom!), an interesting trolley ride (driven by a cowboy pun-master), and a massage for me and the pregnant wifey. A very relaxing time, and a nice break before the impending chaos that'll be arriving all too soon (I'm looking at you twins).
Speaking of massages, let's get to the age-old question of massages: guy or girl? I personally don't care as long as I get a good massage. I mean, is it really any more awkward to get rubbed down by a guy than a woman? Someone's rubbing oil all over and pretending the sheet over your dangle actually covers your stuff up. I don't think breasts make that any less uncomfortable than a set of franks and beans. I ended up getting the messy rub-down from a masseuse named Mark (one guess if that's a guy or a girl) and Shae got a special maternity massage from Alicia (again, I leave it up to you to guess the sex). We both were extremely happy with our massages and were nice and relaxed for the rest of the night.
The ride home wasn't nearly as eventful as our previous trip. There was no roadwork, no traffic, and we didn't get stripped searched at any of the Border Patrol checkpoints. The guy asking us if we had any fruit took a longer look in our car than any of the Border Patrol guys. So, to recap, almost 1000 miles of driving with a pregnant wife, 1 oily rubdown by a man, and an overall nice weekend.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Baby Shower (South)
One day after dealing with changing a doll's diaper I had to deal with something really scary: Shae's baby shower (South). I somehow managed to get roped into attending the shower. The excuse used by Shae was that I needed to be around to take care of the dog. I think she just wanted to make me deal with 20 baby-crazy women.
The day started off bright and early with Erica (the shower hostess) and me making a 7am trip down to Vons to get some balloons. Of course the balloon counter was closed, so we got the 15-year-old working the customer service desk to help us out. I'm not sure he had ever worked the balloon counter before, but after about 30 minutes we finally got our balloons inflated. About this time it occurred to us that maybe my car wasn't the one to take to pick up balloons. Too late to do anything now so Erica and I got to deal with balloons smacking us in the back of the head on the drive back home. This day is off to a great start.
After we got back home we took care of a few final setup things (put up some banners, put the soda on ice, etc) and got ready for the "fun". At around 10:00 the guests started showing up (right on time). At around 10:01 I popped open my first beer, put the dog on his leash, and set up camp in the office. Since most of the shower attendees were seeing our house for the first time I ended up giving a few tours of the house. So far my attempts to hide from the women are not working out so well.
Somehow the ladies ended up hanging out in the living room instead of out on the patio. This wouldn't have been an issue except that the food was in the dining room and it was impossible for me to sneak out and grab food without being seen by the party goers. Luckily I had Lunchbox with me so if I needed to run back to the office and hide out I could just "accidentally" drop his leash (oops!). After about 10 seconds of my well-trained dog sniffing everyone's crotch they were all thankful to have me escort him out of the room. Good boy Lunchbox!
Anyway, the shower seemed like a lot of fun for the ladies. Lots of games, some good food, and at the end lots of good gifts. There are some photos over here.
To anyone not in the San Diego area, there will be a co-ed shower up in Lockwood shortly after the twins are born. We were trying to schedule it in August, but couldn't find a date that worked for everyone. It's looking like October sometime, but we'll have more info closer to the date. BBQ, babies, and beer, or something like that.
The day started off bright and early with Erica (the shower hostess) and me making a 7am trip down to Vons to get some balloons. Of course the balloon counter was closed, so we got the 15-year-old working the customer service desk to help us out. I'm not sure he had ever worked the balloon counter before, but after about 30 minutes we finally got our balloons inflated. About this time it occurred to us that maybe my car wasn't the one to take to pick up balloons. Too late to do anything now so Erica and I got to deal with balloons smacking us in the back of the head on the drive back home. This day is off to a great start.
After we got back home we took care of a few final setup things (put up some banners, put the soda on ice, etc) and got ready for the "fun". At around 10:00 the guests started showing up (right on time). At around 10:01 I popped open my first beer, put the dog on his leash, and set up camp in the office. Since most of the shower attendees were seeing our house for the first time I ended up giving a few tours of the house. So far my attempts to hide from the women are not working out so well.
Somehow the ladies ended up hanging out in the living room instead of out on the patio. This wouldn't have been an issue except that the food was in the dining room and it was impossible for me to sneak out and grab food without being seen by the party goers. Luckily I had Lunchbox with me so if I needed to run back to the office and hide out I could just "accidentally" drop his leash (oops!). After about 10 seconds of my well-trained dog sniffing everyone's crotch they were all thankful to have me escort him out of the room. Good boy Lunchbox!
Anyway, the shower seemed like a lot of fun for the ladies. Lots of games, some good food, and at the end lots of good gifts. There are some photos over here.
To anyone not in the San Diego area, there will be a co-ed shower up in Lockwood shortly after the twins are born. We were trying to schedule it in August, but couldn't find a date that worked for everyone. It's looking like October sometime, but we'll have more info closer to the date. BBQ, babies, and beer, or something like that.
A Walking Pharmacy
So on Friday, July 11th Shae and I attended our first baby class: "Baby Care Basics". I've been busy for the past week, but I finally had time to share our experience, so here you go.
We walked into the classroom and saw three tables in a "U" with about seven dolls spread over them. There was one couple already there, so Shae found the cutest available doll and we took our seat. I started messing around with the doll and the teacher came back into the room and told us that we would be treating the dolls like they were real babies. Of course, as she said this I was holding ours upside down by one leg. Good thing they don't give us grades. I thought I was going to get off easy and have Shae do all the work until we mentioned we were the ones having twins and the teacher gave us another baby. There goes that plan.
Rather than recap the whole class, here are some highlights:
"I wonder if the babies fart in their amniotic fluid. Do you think it bubbles?" --Shizzle
We walked into the classroom and saw three tables in a "U" with about seven dolls spread over them. There was one couple already there, so Shae found the cutest available doll and we took our seat. I started messing around with the doll and the teacher came back into the room and told us that we would be treating the dolls like they were real babies. Of course, as she said this I was holding ours upside down by one leg. Good thing they don't give us grades. I thought I was going to get off easy and have Shae do all the work until we mentioned we were the ones having twins and the teacher gave us another baby. There goes that plan.
Rather than recap the whole class, here are some highlights:
- All but one of the other couples due dates' were in August, most of them in the first half of the month. The other couple was due in November (another set of twins). Shae's baby-belly was as big or bigger than all the other moms-to-be. I can't even imagine what she's going to be like in another month or two. She is not going to be a happy prego.
- The guy next to us dropped his baby. He tried to play it off, and I don't know if anyone else noticed, but he dropped his little boy while changing his diaper. At least I didn't drop my doll.
- Our teacher was a Certified Lactation Expert (or something like that). Let's just say that she was...umm...built for the job.
- Shae is about to turn into a walking pharmacy. Apparently breast milk is some sort of super-drug. We were told that her breast milk will cure all kinds of problems not just on our babies, but on us too. Cuts, zits, eye infections, etc. Just a squirt of boob-juice will fix them right up. That may be true, but if I get an eye infection I'll get some drops rather than let my wife squirt the super-juice in my eye. Yuck.
- Newborns go through about 10-12 diapers a day. That's 24 diapers a day, or 168 a week. Holy crap! I need to go buy some stock in Pampers. This is going to suck.
- A quote from the "coursebook":
Breasts: Both male and female babies can have swollen breasts. They may even leak milk from their nipples. This is due to maternal hormones that have filtered through to the baby in utero. Do not try to express milk from your baby's nipples. The swelling will disappear withing a week or two.
"I wonder if the babies fart in their amniotic fluid. Do you think it bubbles?" --Shizzle
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